To Be Or Not To Be
by iamkellylouise
Summary: Meredith was broken. It was a known fact. She was dark and twisty and scary and damaged and broken. And then she fell in love. But it wasn't with the blue eyed, dark haired neurosurgeon, it was with the blue eyed, red haired neonatal surgeon. MerAdd!


**A/N: I really don't know what I would do without Clai. She's the only one who can help me get out of my writers block. Even when in her time it's gone 3am her brain works better than mine. I love you baby! ;)**

**Review please =)**

* * *

Meredith was broken. It was a known fact. She was dark and twisty and scary and damaged and broken. And then she fell in love. But it wasn't with the blue eyed, dark haired neurosurgeon, it was with the blue eyed, red haired neonatal surgeon. It came out of nowhere. This love for Addison Montgomery. It was like it snuck up on them both and they fell in it deep. The both of them.

Meredith had chosen Derek. She had to choose between Derek and Finn and she chose Derek. But then Derek broke her again. She trudged through the next few weeks like a bit of a zombie, avoiding Derek as much as she could. And she found herself falling out of love with Derek and dare she say it, fantasizing about a certain redhead. And she cursed herself for it at every second.

Derek asked for another chance and she said no. She couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't stick her heart back together for it to be shattered by him again. So she threw herself into work. She grabbed every opportunity she could. And then her past smacked her in the face again as her father, his wife and daughter were all back and in the halls of Seattle Grace. And she freaked. She stood and read the chart of her non-niece, and then he was there, her father, standing in the doorway. And she froze. She did the one thing she never did, she froze. That's when things really changed.

"Meredith?" Addison called as she stepped in to the women's bathroom on the third floor "Meredith? Are you in here?"

"I'm fine" Meredith shouted from behind the door of a stall.

"You froze on rounds, I kind of need to know why" Addison said with a sigh, Meredith slowly opened the door to her stall "Are you going to come out?" Addison asked with a smirk, leaning up against the frame.

"No" Meredith sniffled "I'm quite happy here"

"Ok then" Addison said with a sigh, she stepped in to the stall and locked it behind her, leaning against the door as Meredith sat on the closed toilet seat.

"What are you doing?" Meredith said raising her eyebrow.

"Well, since you won't come out, I'll come in here, so, you gonna tell me what happened back there?"

"What do you think?" Meredith said snapping a little "I can't be anywhere near that man without, without turning into a, a stuttering mess, I just, can't, I can't be near him"

"What happened?" Addison said softly "Why, why didn't you know who, who Molly was, when she was here before"

"Because my Dad left me when I was 5 years old with a woman who didn't really want me, he left me and he went and found himself a perfect housewife and they had 2 perfect little girls who were nothing like the dark and twisty mini Ellis Grey, he left me and, before, before he came here with Molly, it was when, Mark first came out here, I went to see him, I found his address and knocked on his front door and, it took him a few seconds to recognize me, and all he could say was, all he could say was, do you need anything, that's all he could say after 20 years and I just, I can't, I can't be, I can't be the daughter he wants me to be, I can't not be Ellis Grey's daughter" Meredith said tearfully.

"Hey" Addison said softly, stepping forward and crouching down in front of Meredith, her hands holding on to Meredith's thighs, her thumbs rubbing the fabric of her scrubs softly "Don't, don't cry" she whispered "It's ok, you'll be ok"

"I just, don't know what to do" Meredith sniffled.

"Meredith, this has nothing to do with you, the reason he left, you did nothing wrong, you were 5 years old, you wouldn't have done anything wrong, this is on him, not you, don't torture yourself with things like that"

"I'm just so tired" Meredith whispered "Nobody ever wants me, not really, the people I want don't want me and the people who do want me, I just, don't want them back, so I just end up alone and, I'm sick and tired of being alone"

"You're not alone" Addison said softly "You have your friends, your friends love you Meredith, and me, you have me"

"Oh I do not have you" Meredith scoffed.

"You could" Addison said quietly "If you, wanted me, you could, have me"

Meredith looked up and connected her eyes with Addison's "What d'you mean?" Meredith asked quietly.

"What I'm saying is" Addison sighed "I want you Meredith, so if you want me back, I'm here"

"You, you want me?" Meredith asked slowly "What, what do you mean by that?"

Addison slowly leaned forward and pressed her lips to Meredith's "I mean" she whispered against her lips "I've seen you looking, so, unless it was all in my head, you want me"

"It wasn't all in your head" Meredith whispered back, she pulled on Addison's arms and brought her so she straddled her lap, their lips crashing together.

"Well" Addison said as they pulled away breathlessly "This wasn't exactly the place I imagined doing that for the first time"

"Where did you imagine?" Meredith asked as she brushed her lips across Addison's neck.

"My hotel room" Addison said with a slight gasp as Meredith kissed at her skin.

"Yeah? And what exactly did we do in your hotel room?"

"Well, we kissed, and as we were kissing we, took each others clothes off, slowly, and we kissed each others skin and fell onto the bed and made, love, all night long"

"Well, I'm free after 6" Meredith said connecting their eyes.

"The Archfield, 2214" Addison smiled "Meet me there"

"Ok" Meredith whispered "Sorry for crying on you"

"It's what I'm here for" Addison whispered back.

Meredith just couldn't believe what had happened. All day long she thought about it. How Addison's lips felt on hers. How her hands felt on her body. She couldn't believe it. They shared many secret glances throughout the day, small reassuring smiles. She made a quick stop at the house to pick up a few things, clothes for the next day, underwear that wasn't mismatched. And then she was outside Addison's hotel room, her heart pounded in inside her chest, and then the next big change came.

"Hey" Addison smiled as she opened the door "Come in" she let Meredith slip past her, she slipped the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the handle before closing the door "So…" she started "Do you want a drink or anything?"

"No, I'm good" Meredith said smiling softly, and they just stared at each other, they stared until they both took steps forward and their lips were together, and as Addison had voiced, as they kissed they stripped each other of their clothes, placing soft kisses where the fabric once lay, they fell onto the bed, and they made love, all night long. They created a pattern, they'd pleasure each other until they were so exhausted that they fell asleep entwined together, and as soon as one of them woke lips would be back together and hands would caress bodies. It was 4 in the morning before either of them really spoke again.

"What do you feel for me?" Addison asked quietly as she stroked her fingers through Meredith's hair.

"What do I feel for you?" Meredith repeated "I, I don't know, a lot of things"

"How, how long have you, felt these things?"

"Well I, there's always been something there I think, but I thought it was just, me wanting to be more like you because you were what he wanted but, now I think about it, I think it was more of, wanting to be with you"

"Yeah, I think it was the same for me too" Addison breathed "But, why, why did you do it?"

"I didn't want it to happen, that wasn't, I didn't mean it to happen but we, we were shouting and then he kissed me and, I really should have stopped it, I know that, and believe me Addison if I could go back, I really would, because after all that, I didn't even want him anymore, I fell out of love with him, and then, I noticed you, the real you, not his wife, you, Addison, and that's when I knew, that I didn't want to be like you, I wanted to be with you, I think that's when I knew"

"I wanted to hate you" Addison said in a whisper "I really just, wanted to hate you, but I couldn't, I can't, there's just, something about you, and I don't know what it is, and I know I shouldn't feel this way, I should hate you but, I don't"

"I'm so sorry Addison" Meredith whispered tearfully "I'm so so sorry"

"I know" Addison said kissing her softly "It's ok" she said wiping a stray tear from her cheek "We'll be ok, this, this is our time, our fresh start, and it won't be easy but, I want this, I want this and I want you" she said kissing her again "I want you Meredith"

"I want you too" Meredith said tracing Addison's jaw with her finger "I'm ready, for anything, for everything, as long as we're together"

Addison brushed her lips softly across Meredith's before wrapping her arms around her, both of them slowly falling to sleep.

When they finally woke the next morning they stayed in bed for as long as they could, just lying together, fingertips tracing each others skin. They shared a shower and got dressed and made their way into work. They didn't make it public. They didn't feel ready to make it public. But both Callie and Cristina pick up on the way they're looking at each other and drag them off in opposite directions. Cristina leading Meredith straight into a supply closet.

"Cristina what…."

"Why were you looking at Montgomery like that?" Cristina said raising her eyebrow.

"Like what?" Meredith frowned.

"Like you wanted to, to, jump her bones!" Cristina exclaimed.

"I wasn't looking at her like that" Meredith laughed nervously, Cristina just smirked at her "Ok so maybe we're a thing now" she blurted.

"You're what?" Cristina gasped.

"I just, I always thought I wanted to be like her, Derek wanted her so I thought, I wanted to be like her but, but then me and Derek, didn't work, and I fell out of love with him but I realized that, it wasn't about wanting to be her, I wanted to be with her and, I get that it's crazy, I really do but, when I'm with her it just feels, right, it feels so right, and just, perfect and, I'm really, falling for her" Meredith finished with a small smile.

"Jesus Meredith, you really are full of surprises" Cristina sighed "Well, just, be careful, she hurts you I kick her ass, ok?"

"Ok" Meredith laughed.

That evening Meredith agreed to meet Addison at the hotel, she knew she probably shouldn't stay out for another night as Izzie and George were likely to get worried but she needed one more night for just her and Addison. She made her way up to Addison's room, greeting her with a kiss as she stepped inside, they ordered some food from room service and lay on the bed together watching the TV.

"Cristina knows" Meredith said just as Addison said "Callie knows"

"She caught you looking didn't she" Meredith smirked with a laugh.

"Yep" Addison laughed "I guess we're not so subtle, not to our best friends anyway"

"I guess not" Meredith said pecking Addison's lips softly "I've missed you today"

"I've missed you too" Addison said softly "I haven't felt like this in a long time Meredith" she said with a sigh "Wanting to be with someone every second of the day, I haven't been like that since, since, before things went wrong in New York, but I just, I miss you when I'm not with you, and when I'm with you I don't want to let you go"

"I'm not going anywhere" Meredith said squeezing her hand "Except to get our room service" she laughed as there was a knock at the door, after tipping room service Meredith brought the food to the bed where they sat and ate in a comfortable silence, once they were finished they snuggled back into bed together.

"This is nice" Addison whispered.

"Hmm, it is" Meredith smiled "Wh...when should we, tell people, about us, because we can't keep it a secret forever, I don't want to keep it a secret forever"

"I'm just scared" Addison said quietly.

"What of?" Meredith said turning her head to look up at Addison.

"He's going to kick off, he'll kick off and get angry, and I'm not scared of that, I'm not scared of him being angry but, I know that once the angers over he'll try and get you back, and I'm scared that, that you'll go back, because he's who you wanted for so long and, you love him, or at least you did, and…."

"Addison" Meredith said straddling her lap and holding her face firmly in her hands "I will not, ever, under any circumstances go back to him, ever, I want you, you, not him, you, and I am really, undeniably, falling in love with you, stop doubting me, I know I haven't exactly been the most reliable person in the world but, just stop doubting me"

"I didn't mean to doubt you" Addison sighed.

"I know baby, I know" Meredith said kissing her softly "I think we should just, do it, stop hiding, it's going to be hard, and he will say hurtful things, and we will be doubted, but we just have to stick together, we stick together and we'll be fine, ok?"

"Ok" Addison smiled "Ok" she whispered before pulling Meredith back in for a kiss, as they pulled apart her smile faltered a little.

"Now see, you can't do that" Meredith sighed "Not look happy after we kiss, it's bad for the ego"

"Sorry I just, I'm, I'm ok, I'm ok, I guess I just have…."

"Trust issues" Meredith finished "Yeah, me too" Meredith whispered "That could be fun" she smirked.

"Shut up" Addison smirked, Meredith suddenly climbed off Addison and off the bed "Where are you going?"

Meredith silently moved around the room, Addison watched her curiously as she opened and closed drawers and cupboards pulling things out of them.

"Mer, what are you doing?" she laughed, Meredith moved into the bathroom and closed the door, Addison moved to sit on the edge of the bed in front of the door, a minute or so later the door opened and Meredith came out wearing Addison's glasses and coat, her hair pinned up like Addison would usually wear it.

"What are you doing?" Addison smirked.

"I'm being you" Meredith said walking towards her "How do I look?"

"Hot but, how the hell can you see in those glasses?"

"You're looking very blurry right now" Meredith smirked, she took the glasses off and put them down on top of the drawers, she stepped forward and straddled Addison's lap, their lips coming together.

"Mmm" Addison moaned "My my Meredith, are you naked under that coat?" she said rubbing her hands up Meredith's thighs.

"Maybe" Meredith teased.

"Can I look?" Addison asked tracing her finger down Meredith's neck, leaning in and kissing the skin.

"I don't know" Meredith said grinding against her "What do I get to see?"

Addison slowly stripped herself of her shirt "Do I get to see now?"

"Hmm, well, maybe if you take this off" Meredith said palming her breasts through her lacy bra, Addison slowly removed her bra, Meredith dipped her head and took a nipple in her mouth, swirling her tongue around it, both of them letting out light moans.

"Do I get to see now?" Addison asked with a slight gasp, Meredith slowly stood up.

"Lose the skirt" Meredith said simply, Addison slowly slipped off her skirt.

"Surely I can see now" Addison asked with a slight begging tone, Meredith slowly started to pop open the buttons.

"You ready?" Meredith asked.

"Always" Addison whispered huskily, Meredith opened out the coat quickly, bursting out laughing as Addison let out a groan at the sight of Meredith in the Columbia Med shirt she stole from her drawers.

"You bitch" Addison said pulling on the shirt and pinning Meredith to the bed.

"I did say maybe" Meredith giggled "And, and I'm not wearing any panties, so technically, I'm half naked" Meredith grinned "I'm sorry, let me make it up to you"

"How?" Addison smirked, Meredith slowly rolled them over so Addison was underneath her, she reached her hand down and slipped it inside Addison's panties, her fingers rubbing into her folds.

"Well, someone's wet" Meredith said pulling her hand out and sucking her fingers "Mmm, you taste good" she said dipping her hand back down "Do you want to taste baby?" she whispered kissing Addison's lips.

"Yes please" Addison said nibbling Meredith's bottom lip, Meredith swirled her fingers between Addison's folds before pushing them into Addison's mouth, Addison sucked a little on them and let out a light moan.

"Hmm, I do taste good, I bet you taste better" she said moving her hand between their bodies and dipping a finger straight into Meredith's opening.

"Oh my god" Meredith moaned.

"Oh? Do you like that honey?" Addison asked coyly, slipping in another finger "I said, do you like that?"

"Yes" Meredith whispered "Oh god yes"

Addison thrust her hand up a little, rubbing against her clit and g-spot, Meredith moaned a little and let out a disappointed gasp as Addison removed her fingers, Addison brought them to her lips and sucked Meredith's juices off.

"I was right" Addison grinned "You do taste better"

Meredith lay herself flat against Addison's body and kissed her slowly, their tongues moving against each others "You are so beautiful" Meredith whispered into her mouth "Really beautiful"

"You're really beautiful too" Addison smiled "I feel so, lucky to…."

"Have me on top of you?" Meredith said with a laugh.

"Shut up" Addison said hitting her "I was trying to be nice and sentimental and, loving and you just have to dirty it all up and…."

"Addie?" Meredith said covering her mouth with her hand "I feel so lucky to have you under me, and not just for the dirty reasons" she removed her hand and pressed their lips together.

"Meredith" Addison gasped as Meredith's hands wandered back down her body "Mer I, I'm falling in love with you"

"I think I've already fallen" Meredith whispered.

Meredith knew things weren't going to be easy. She knew it was all very well and good when they were locked away in Addison's hotel room laughing, joking, talking, loving each other in ways they couldn't even imagine. But she knew as soon as they stepped out of that hotel room, as soon as things became public, as soon as Derek knew and Mark knew and everyone else knew, it would be the hardest relationship either one of them had ever been in. But she didn't care. Because the woman under her, whom she was doing very naughty things too, was the woman she loved. And as she had promised, all that had to do was stick together, and everything would work out. All they needed was each other.

_end._


End file.
